flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
