i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
