And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
