You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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