yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
