I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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