I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
