I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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