6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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