I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
