Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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