a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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