I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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