I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
