Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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