She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
