People with herpes should wear stickers.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
