Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
