Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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