I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
