And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
