his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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