I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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