We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
