why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
