About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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