I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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