ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
