if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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