So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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