Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So much Jack, so little girl.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
