If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is it penis luge time yet?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
