Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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