Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
try to milk me bitch
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