Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i love accidental penises.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
