The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
