don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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