First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
