I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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