i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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