she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
