when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
