Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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