all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
