i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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