my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
