and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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