It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
well you can't waste a boner
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
