i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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