I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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