I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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