Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Buhtt sex?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I love having hate sex.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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