We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
