I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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