There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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