if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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