I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
