Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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