so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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