and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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