Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
